Dec 24, 2012 2:00pm by Henry Mance
Santa: Right, listen up. This year’s sleigh team is the same as last year’s, except that the Latin American representative will be Peña Nieto of Mexico, who takes over from Roussolph. Talking of glossy hair gel, please welcome our new chief caribou Xi Jinping.
Roussolph: You can’t ditch/ underweight me! What about my wonderful shiny red nose?
Santa: It’s your red nose that’s the problem. Some children think you’re a socialist. Who trusts a socialist to deliver the goodies?
Roussolph: But Xi is a communist!
Santa: And yet he says all the right things.
Xi Jinping: Hello. Let’s fight corruption! Goodbye.
Santa: See? He also waves and smiles.
Roussolph: Fine. But remember my antlers – they’re the sixth biggest in the world!
David Camerolph: They’re not any more. Frightfully sorry, but ours are.
Roussolph: Overtaken by the omnishambles?! Why aren’t my antlers growing faster?
[Enter Guido the Forecasting Elf]
Guido the Elf: Great news! Next year your antlers will grow by one metre!
Roussolph: How do you know?
Guido the Elf: I stuck my finger in the air.
Guido the Elf: I mean, I have performed a thorough calculation. I got predictions from all the other elves then doubled them.
Roussolph: Oh, Guido. You’re as persistent as Argentine bond hold-out – and about as helpful. Why don’t I sack you?
Guido the Elf: Because the Economist told you to?
Roussolph: Alas. Where did it all go wrong? Whatever happened to the shining ‘B’ of emerging markets – rich in resources, loved by investors, finally overcoming years of corrupt government…
Santa: Do you mean Bur—
Roussolph: NO, I DO NOT MEAN BURMA. Is Burma hosting the World Cup?
Guido the Elf: The World Cup! I knew there was something I was meant to be preparing for. How many stadiums was it?
[Exits, pursued by a bear]
Roussolph: Oh, this is like a Greek tragedy.
Bluff the Magic Draghi [entering]: Did someone call for me?
Roussolph: The Magic Draghi! Thank goodness. Do you remember the good times? When everyone loved my red nose?
Draghi: When they called you exotic – but in a good way?
Roussolph: They would look at me and whisper, “Oh, what a lovely pair of commodities ” … and no one would ever say, “but a pity the roads back to your place are so bad.”
Draghi: You deserve better than this ! I have a simple solution. With my magic, I can turn back time, using only the power of liquidity!
Roussolph: please, turn it back!
Draghi: Back you go! To the time you were future! To the days your red nose shone most proudly! Back to the 1970s!
Roussolph: Saved at last! I’ll definitely be in the sleigh portfolio next year!
Draghi: Yes! Now what was that tune…
Roussolph the Reindeer [all join in and sing:]
You know old Vladdy Putin
And shiny Xi Jinping
There’s smooth Peña Nieto
And shy Manmohan Singh
But do you recall
The boldest EM reindeer of all?
Roussolph the red-nosed reindeer,
Busy as a jumping bean.
Each time she saw a problem,
Thought the state should intervene.
Vanquished fund managers
Even dared to call her names
They made sure poor Roussolph
Never saw no share price gains
Then one growth-free Christmas Eve
Santa came to say,
“Roussolph, oh your nose so bright
Gives investors quite a fright!”
All of the other reindeers
Were smitten with anxiety.
Maybe some emerging markets
Haven’t learnt their history?
Apologies to Johnny Marks